Letter to my Son

Yesterday, my son got his UAI a day after he received his HSC results. Though Arvic usually shows his composed and calm demeanour, I could feel his growing anxiousness as he woke up that day. His exuberance finally showed in his voice when he called me up in my office to inform me that he got an excellent result.

I could hear in the background that my wife was literally screaming in delight on his result that her voice sounded like an alien who has just tasted her first scoop of ice cream. At my desk in the office, I smelt a breeze of fresh air past over me and felt serenity in my heart as I thank God for answering me and my wife’s prayers.

Today, as I sat down on my desk thinking and deciding what could a proud father give to a well-deserved son on his recent achievement, an email from Sis Cate Bachar popped up on my Lotus Notes email congratulating Arvic…what caught my attention was a part of her message in this proverbial idiom, to wit…”a well deserved result for a young man with the world as his oyster…”.Wow! that is exactly what me and my wife wanted to say to Arvic – that practically, the world awaits him and that whatever he does he can do just as long as he strives for it.

Well, I decided to write a letter to my son. It’s my way of expressing my thoughts to a young man who is so special and close to me and yet sometimes so unreachable.

Dear Son,

I still vividly remember the day 11 years ago when you were in second grade that I virtually threw the contents of your school bag outside the door in our house in Tagbilaran City in a fit of anger because you failed to finish your schoolwork, you did not submit your yesterday’s homework and you had to pee in your pants at school. I recall staring at you in your face with that hurt and pained look staring back at me begging for mercy and pardon (the same look I got from your younger brother Lorenz nowadays…). Sometimes, I still feel that incident and all other rage and quick temper moments I’ve revealed of myself was maybe a bit too harsh for you. But looking at you now, surviving me for all those years and still able to be your own man somehow justifies my actions…isn’t it?

Well, everyday of my life and especially your’s mom’s life, we were always there for you…training you...taking care of you…disciplining you…guiding and guarding and sometimes to point nagging you so you could be the person we wanted you to be and at the same time have the independent mind to be what you wanted to be.

There are so many things that I want to tell you. Now that you are an adult and you have achieved a considerable measure of success, there are things that you will have to come to terms with and as sad as this may seem, you will have to come to terms with these - the frustrations, the disappointments and the painful realities of life.

First, I would like to apologize that my generation has not been able to collectively make things any better for you and your siblings. Sure, me and your mom may have been able to provide more in terms of material things and comfort - your daily allowance in the last 12 months was more than what I got for a whole year (In pesos) during my time and you have been able to wear more trendy clothes and had the conveniences of unlimited used of the internet and computers, but I know deep in my heart that we have also failed you in many respects. I feel sad for example that you my children has been unable to experience the absolute wonder of climbing trees and chasing butterflies and fireflies, nor the excitement of walking along picturesque places back home in the Philippines because we have to migrate here in Australia to seek the proverbial greener pasture. I could have fought and worked harder to preserve the soul of our race as a people and stay in our homeland so you could grow and live in your country enjoying the legacies that our forefathers painstakingly built with their bare hands.

You are a generation with very few real role models and it pains me to realize that you’ll eventually not know who Claro M. Recto is, or even Raul Manglapus or Jose Diokno. It embarrasses me no end that we have taught you respect and citizenship as theoretical constructs, rather than by example and yet the first one to abandon it. It pains me to realize that you are coming into your own as adults at a time when our leaders back home (and even here) are behaving like children - squabbling and engaging in intolerable screamfests. I am sorry, and I can only hope that you and your generation will do a better job, whether it be here in Australia or you might decide to return to the Philippines.

You may hear me rant about our country, the politics, the weather, the chaos and the noise and how comfortable life here in Australia is…but you don’t know that I’ve always loved our homeland. Life may be a struggle there, but you can see that behind that struggle and daily confusion of life…there is passion…there is fervent hope, and there is laughter. Australia may offer the opposite in terms of standard of living, but I could see most of this generation living here having no fire in their hearts, no fervent hope to make life, in general, be better for the future generation or make a stamp of contribution to humanity. The majority of young people nowadays have floated in the sea of mediocrity and have contented themselves to earn a living, enjoy weekends, raise a family and so on and so forth…and eventually die of old age.

Despite our many shortcomings as parents, there are also a number of things that I am proud of about my generation and I hope that you can build on these. Me and other Filipinos who have migrated in different lands cannot and would not forget the Filipino spirit…the humility, the industriousness, the excellence and the christian values that we fought so hard to restore the dignity of man.

We also tried our darnest to make your lives better and many among us had to suffer the loneliness of working with people with a strange culture and just so you can have that new gadget you wanted for Christmas or that cellphone that gave you license to belong. I personally wished I could have been with you during your puberty years when I have to travel constantly and have to allocate my time to your other siblings. But I’m also glad that you learned to play the guitar on your own as I’ve learned to play it on my own during my time. But I as a techie I have left you figuring out how to burn copies of pirated movies and mp3s. But I had a job and couldn’t be home in time even just to ruffle your hair while you struggled with that calculus assignment. I know that I would have to pay dearly for spoiling you a little with material things to make up for the guilt. But I take comfort in the fact that we share the same blood, and that must account for something. I know that in time good intentions will bear us out.

I want you to know that I am so very proud of you - of what you have made of yourself so far, notwithstanding the way I sometimes bungled up my roles as parent and role model…but not your mother because she is an angel and she has to contend with the devil in me.

I am amazed at the intelligence, the resourcefulness, the pragmatism that you have shown. I look at the way you construct your essays in ancient history and how you were able to answer Jeopardy IQ questions far behind I could remember. I take immense pleasure in realizing that you have learned how to take care of baby Joseph on your own and without qualms. I take great pleasure in realizing that you could figure out the many ways to optimize the features of your cellphone and weave your way thru various RPG and computer strategy games. But most of all, my heart swells with pride when I see how you are able to display affection and pay your respects by kissing to elders even older male members and friends in the CFC community when I myself still feel a little self conscious when I have to beso-beso with them. We come from a generation where showing affection was a sterile gesture and gender roles and rules were a little more strait-laced.

And so, I take comfort in the thought that somehow, the world will go on despite our shortcomings. Because more than anything else, we have taught you how to love; and this we did well.I just hope that You and your generation will truly do a better job.

I pray that you will not commit the same mistakes we have made. The future beckons you, this is your destiny at stake. Grab it. And by the way, take care and remember Dad loves you unconditionally.

Dad

Opposites Do Attract

I woke up in the middle of the night last Sunday from a bizarre dream. Half-asleep and half-awake, I forced myself to stand up and tried to flush myself out from remnants of that nocturnal reverie. I thought I heard music of some sort from around the room when I realized it was only the rhythmic tempo of my son’s (Lorenz) snoring in harmony with my wife’s murmuring cadence of sound coming from her mouth (or nostrils?).

I slowly gazed at my wife’s beautiful and peaceful-looking face beside me and a sudden gush of memories flooded my mind. I’m still in awe and amazed how Joy blossomed from a wispy and innocent young lady I met almost a decade ago into a woman who could stand up with my idiosyncrasies and nurture half a dozen kids. Flashes of past scenes played on my mind – scenes from almost two decades ago starting from courtship years to early years of marriage to a time were we had to raise a bunch of kids and struggle to most of our married life. Then and there, I realized how our bond together as husband and wife has lasted and fortified thru all these years.

After 18 years of being together, both me and Joy have metamorphosized from being mere teens who were madly love with each other and with a come-what-may attitude to become passionate lovers, friends, soul-mates, bold parents and Christ-servants.

I realized how much we differ in so many things but we eventually shared much in almost everything. In my thoughts, I started to list down the following….

At the start of our ‘merger’…

She’s so sociable and friendly to people…I’ve got no social life and I mistrust them.

She’s wise in money matters…I don’t matter money at all.

She’s controlled even when angry…I’m angry when I lose control.

She listens to people…people never listens to me and I don’t bother.

She is an epitome of virtues…I’m a virtual archetype of the opposite.

She loves her mother-in-law…I dislike mine.

My mother adores her…Her mother loves her….(something’s missing, I guess?)

My father is so fond of her…Her father really likes me (unfortunately, he’s not around anymore to confirm it).

My kids loves her more and fear her less…My kids fear me more and they have to love me (or else….)

When she gets mad and on fire…I get furious and ablaze.

After all these years, we eventually….

Shared our secret fears and our feared secrets.

Had six children…(draw your own conclusion…)

Accepted all ‘MY’ faults and weaknesses.

Laugh together even up to the middle of night and cry together even in mid mornings.

My kids fear her more and love her more…my kids don’t fear me anymore, but they still love me.

When she gets mad and on fire…I get cold as ice….(and the other way around).

We don’t gaze at each other much much often, but we now both look forward in the same direction.

And I love her more….

Yes…we had our ups and downs, our cat and dog fights and our pride-laden and selfish disagreements. But who doesn’t. I don’t about you, but since we’ve joined CFC, both Joy and I learned that those differences we have somehow confirms to us that we are truly a couple. A couple is not a pair of similar entities, but a team-up of differing and opposing beings.

It is universally accepted that…

…the magnetic north can only connect itself to a magnetic south.

…you can only make the color grey by matching black and white.

…it is awkward to swing your left arm when you put your left foot forward when walking.

…to play with a see-saw, you have to put weights on both sides…when one is up the other is down.

…to open a door on either side, you either push or pull.

The road of life is not a one-way street but a two-lane highway, they say. Murphy’s law of nature would have stated it more succinctly…Nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right…something is wrong.

With all these in my thoughts, I have come into conclusion that we (Joy and I) are truly blessed being with this community. For I see, in living daylight, that this opposites-attract theory being manifested by the other couples in the community and validates this claim. Each couple’s different ways, habits, attitudes, ideals and outlook makes their marriage work rather than just floats into un-ending mediocrity.

At the end, when a husband and wife accepts each other’s differences and brings the best of each other’s personality and character, you will know then that God’s presence and grace has worked on them and would withstand and overcome any storm and struggles in their lives.

I was still with this train of thoughts when my wife opened her eyes and asked me what am I doing staring at her with that far-away look in my eyes. I told her I was thinking of her and us. She smiled at that because she said she had a dream about us during those times both of us ran away from our homes and decided to be together. But that is another story….

Cut It Out...

There are some things in life that are not simple as it seems. One of those is being a barber. Not necessarily the bloke that you see in barber shops or beauty salons, but the art of cutting another person’s hair.

This kind of art form truly amazes me. For my favourite barber, Uncle Bill, in Fairfield Heights could whack out a decent look of haircut on any kind of head brought to him in a matter of minutes. Looking at him doing it on my flat head seems fairly easy and simple that it prodded me to think that I could do it too. Armed with this thought, I did experiment it using my son, Lorenz, as my guinea pig.

One fateful Sunday night a week ago, I told my wife, Joy, that I would cut Lorenz hair instead of sending him to a barber. Joy at first was worried that I might not do a good job over the kid. But, my ever cost-conscious wife eventually yielded to my persuasions specially when I mentioned about saving $15 on haircut. Anyway, I could always appease my son with equivalent price of two McDonalds Happy meals in case the outcome on his hair would not be good. Now that I’ve covered all these things including the equipment needed like the electric razor, scissors and barbers comb, I started to act on my dream. I was so sure it’s a piece of cake doing it. I felt and thought that I’m prepared to embark to this new form of skill.

Alas, it took me an hour to make out a decent haircut on my son. It took almost all the virtues listed in Bible such as patience, gentleness, steadiness, perseverance and humility on me during that hour long activity. Not including the needed concentration, carefulness, focus and restraint that I have to endure hoping not to cut any other part of my son’s head aside from his hair. I know that one small mistake or inaccuracy would harm or injure either my son’s ears or the back of his head. With all these on the back of my mind, I knew I had to fortify my emotions and my feelings.

To make matter worse, my wife was teasing me…my other children were goading me…and Lorenz was already impatient and crying. Then suddenly, I started making mistakes and I have to immediately correct the hairlines to compensate for the unevenness in cut style and shape aside from carefully avoiding injury.

My dream pursuit has become a nightmare.

That hour long activity seems eternity to me but at the end, I did able to finish with fairly good results. I was so relieved that I’ve overcome an hour-long of struggle.

Now I know that it is not simple as it seems. Getting a haircut or profoundly doing one affects and builds a character in a person. Bro Ganni, during a conversation with other brothers last Sunday’s birthday bash of Bro Boyet and Sis Malou’s son Francis at Cecil Park, has professed that he has to undergo a series of resentments and humiliation when his father took on his own to be the barber to him and his brothers during his childhood to teen years.

But looking at it, the burden and anxiety is not on person whose hair is being cut but on the person doing the haircut. Imagine after a haircut, the person is not satisfied and would criticize you, how would you react? You have several options since you have the razor and scissors on your hand…anger, impetuousness, hurt, vengeful… If on the other hand, the haircut was fine and the person lavish with you praise, how would you respond…humility, gracefulness, and magnanimity. If you were a first timer barber like me cutting a fidgety and squirmy child’s hair, how would you be able to endure that kind of stress?

It’s really not that simple.

Which comes to my mind the incident that happened that Sunday afternoon in Cecil Park when the party was about to end and everybody started packing home. A drunk Aussie guy barged into our place, swearing and shouting invectives and racist remarks to the ladies and to Bros. Boyet and Abe. He was mad that his kid was “accidentally” brushed-off by some of the kids in our party. The situation was very heated and tense that just one small mistake and carelessness would eventually lead into a something violently worse. As I was trying to help out pacifying the protagonists, I could feel the silent anger Bro Abe and Bro Boyet has to endure seeing themselves and their loved ones being shouted at.

I was silently praying while keeping the gap between that drunk and the men that the Holy Spirit intervene and calm down not the Aussie (for I know, the evil one was on top of him) but for all of us on our side particularly Boyet and Abe for restraint, calmness and humility. Though I know, the guy’s words and actuations was really rude and hurtful to the kids and ladies…(in a different time and a different situation, I really would have loved to thwack that mad racist guts)…But we have to take the moral high ground and keep our peace. By God’s grace, the incident never came to a violent point with both Boyet and Abe opted to cool it off.

Like a first-timer barber like me, handling the pressure from onlookers and the struggle to managing the hair and the head is really not that easy nor simple. Nor it is not easy to be in that similar tense incident where anger and hurt is at froth and striking back is a viable option.

But we have been taught, bred, learned and lived to keep our peace and the virtues of a good Christian. And that what makes us survive those struggling times in our lives when our emotions are being tested with people and circumstances beyond our control. It is on those times that we not only talk about the virtues we learned but act on it. Though how aggrieved we might be, we always think about the consequences of our actions and have the guided foresight to avoid a bitter end.

Next time you go to a barber…think not only about your vanity or how bad your hair looks like. Think about the person behind you cutting your hair….the struggle to keep you good looking and his need to feel appreciated…notwithstanding the fact, that he has the razor and the scissor on your head.

Fast Times

More often than not, my wife would always tell me to slow down and take it easy. She really would hate me during those times when I do tend to go over things as if anything and everything has a deadline. This literally means she wants me to control myself and not rush in so many things that I do, think and speak.

I was a true follower of the catch phrase “Need for Speed”. Everything for me then was to accomplish things as swiftly as possible. From small and trivial things to big and important things I always believed that everything should be done quickly and get over it.

Maybe because I grew up in an environment where you have to compete with the best and the quicker you get ahead with the pack, the quicker you’ll end to be successful.

Now I know how wrong that concept was.

I used to be like this….

I eat fast…that sometimes I’m finished with my meal long before my wife would start her third spoonful of food.

I read fast…I used to read a 500 page novel in just about three hours. My wife would often get mad at me when both of us would browse some news in the internet over a computer display because I tend to scroll down the mouse before she could even read the headline subtitles.

I walk fast….Joy and the kids would often lose their breaths catching up with me when I walk in malls or department stores or wherever we are.

I talk fast… Thus sometimes, I tend to stutter when speaking because my verbal faculties cannot cope up with the fast neurons wracking into my brains.

I think fast…sometimes my thoughts goes thru at a speed like all cars on all motorways in Sydney converging at one point and I tend to anticipate what people want to say before they could say it.

I pray fast…I used to rationalize that since God has to listen to billions of people on earth praying, I just need to be quick in praying to Him so as just he can move on quickly to the next person asking for help.

I drive fast…just a year over since I got my license, I already have 6 demerit points because of infringements over road speed limits.

I used to be proud of it…and sometimes, I still think that it has some positive results. I used to equate speed with competency – the faster, the better. But I realized now that it isn’t so.

What made me think otherwise?

I was looking at some old photos of my family and as much as I tried to remember the circumstances and situations behind those pictures – it suddenly occurred to me that I already forgotten what was it then. I realised there and then that Life have quickly past by and I wasn’t able to cherish those supposedly memorable moments.

At the hindsight, I came to comprehend that I was so eager to achieve many things that I thought was important and has overlooked the things that should have been more important to me. I have breeze life accomplishing my role as a father to my children and as a husband to my wife but was not really able to enjoy every minute of it. Why? Because I have taken the road of proving that I could do it quickly and efficiently and not putting emphasis on the value behind those roles.

I also realized that….

When I eat fast – my hypertension increases, I’m at risk having indigestion and possible heart burn is forthcoming. But more importantly, I won’t be able to relish the food and appreciate the one who prepared it.

When I read fast, I only browse the essential points of the story but I lose the prose and the writing style the author has written it. I would fail to recognize the message between the lines and other characters and sub-plots in the story.

When I walk fast - I show impatience. Anybody with me won’t be able to enjoy the beauty that surrounds us.

When I talk fast, it makes an impression that I’m rude and I won’t be able to express clearly the thoughts I would like to share.

When I think fast, I would be treating others as an inferior individual. I may show sensitivity but I would also be at risk of being labelled as arrogant and conceited.

When I drive fast – I would be inconsiderate and I would sacrifice my safety and the safety of my passengers.

When I pray fast – I show disrespect to my Creator. I could never have a true conversation with Him – that should have been the true essence of a prayer.

After a year in Couples for Christ, I’ve seen many imperfections in my brothers and sisters. But that is alright, it is reflective of my own imperfections. Those imperfections made me realize the true value of brotherhood and sisterhood – the acceptance between each and everyone of us that we are imperfect and the desire to improve oneself to seek the perfection that the Lord wanted us to have after this life.

Haste makes waste as they say. And having understood this, I have come to put the necessary brakes in the car of my life. This way, I would be able to prepare for those bumps (misfortunes and hardships) that might threaten me and my family and those humps (adversity and struggles) ahead of me.

Having said that, I have formulated a set of truisms that I will try to adhere to in the years to come. Some of them I read it from somewhere and some of them I made it as my own. Read on….

1. Faith is the ability to not panic.

2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

3. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home every day.

4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.

6. Do the math. Count your blessings.

7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

10. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

11. The most important things in your home are the people.

12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

15. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.

16. Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just hearsay.

17. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle -- it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

18. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

My CLP Sharing

A few days ago, Bro. Roy has requested me and my wife to share something on our experience when we had our CLP just last year. His email just popped out on my computer screen late that Sunday night when I was coincidentally working on the CFC Sydney website. I can’t refuse Bro Roy, how I wish I could, for I always consider him and his wife Rose as messengers of God to our family…the reason is that they were our facilitators during our CLP last year, close family friends, ninong to our miracle son, Joseph and eventually became our household leaders.

So I was thinking last night, what would I share this afternoon. I was thinking along those lines when I saw my 5 year old son Lorenz playing Pacman in my laptop, that old arcade computer game.

It’s that game where a yellow circle with a mouth called pacman eats dots and prized along a square maze and avoids those ghosts in eating him.

I started to watch him play when I suddenly occurred to me That somehow that is how I believe God has been doing all the time in my life, before CLP and joining CFC.

Before joining the CLP last year I pride myself as a person who has the best things in life…a good and loving family, good competitive career, more than enough talent and skills, generally a good person…like Pacman who has also the dots available to swallow and prizes to grab…skillfully avoiding those ghosts who would eat him. Those ghosts are personifications of God who wants me to stop the game of eating away all those goods things and be aware of the greater things that is more important…The real meaning of Him, and be of real service to him and acknowledge my real purpose in this world.

Before I’ve undergone CLP here in Australia, my wife has been doggedly pursuing me to join the CFC (she is also one of those pacman ghosts) in the Philippines. I always successfully failed her not because I don’t want to…but because I don’t have a reason to do so. I always believe then that when you’re a good father, a good husband, a good provider, a good neighbour, a good parishioner…why do you want to push yourself to be a part of a community…you just complicate things when you are involved in such organization…conflicts, gossips, envy, jealousy and stuff like that. You lose your peace of mind and comfort zones. Though I was a God-loving and God fearing man…he was not central part of my life…He’s just there as third party, a peripheral being. I would rather serve man rather serve him and do the work for him…

Secondly, I have always this handy reason that a part of my work (travelling) won’t allow me to.

But that changed over time…like in Pacman, God has sent me multiple ghosts…those trials in my life…I lost my job of 13 years, I did not succeed in my business, I got another job but it separated me from family….I lost all those dots and prizes I can grab and God was on the verge of defeating me.

And that’s when I bargained myself with God…since I was generally a good person, I have earned a bonus round…I promised God that should I be able to successful in my plans to migrate to Australia…the first thing I would do is to satisfy my wife’s desire to attend a CLP at least.

God did not fail me….I was given a permanent skilled visa thru state sponsorship to Australia…Not only that, he gave me a ready job when I arrived here 18 months ago. My family settled comfortably and there have been a lot of friends especially in this community that has helped my family transitioned ourselves for an Australian way of life.

Now I was trapped…I have to fullfill my promise to Him…

So I joined the CLP…carrying along with me the cynical views I have, the bloated ego I have and the quiet arrogance about people. After the third week of CLP, something in me change after I listened to the speakers but more concretely when I saw the people who was trying to share their lives with me and my wife. One of those things I learned was...

I’ve learned from Bro. Ganni the essence of a dedicated leader.

I've learned from Bro Roy the true meaning of service.

I’ve learned from Bro. Raul how scriptures and God’s messages should be part of family discussion.

I’ve learned from Bro. Edwin and Bro Boyet that people really change for the better.

I’ve affirmed my wife’s dedication and desire for me in the actions of our sisters in the community.

And eventually, I surrendered to the Lord and humbly accepted him as a central part of my life. And how wonderful and enriching for me and for my wife to have that experience. I have gained a different perspective of God and how he works in my life and my marriage.

He is not a third party peripheral being anymore but a First party of all my plans and endeavours for my family.

I used to be very a impulsive, stringent and impatient person, I’ve realized that being more understanding and tolerant is not a bad option.

I used to question and mistrust other people’s motive in relating to me. I’ve realized that a person’s goodness and honesty is enough to win my heart.

I used to ridicule my wife’s inherent friendliness and compassion to others, I still sometimes do...but I’ve since shared her attitude and I realize how it lightens my own load.

Now, after one year in the community…It’s still a Pacman game…But this time, in a different version. God has given me the dots and prizes…the small miracles in our life, the blessings and gifts he has provided us…and yet nipping at my back anytime and ready to eat me in times that I’ve gone lukewarm in my commitment to him. I would be serving him by grabbing the right dots in the way and rejecting the evil paths that would lead me astray.

My wife and I would like to join you in this journey in this CLP…knowing who God really is, how he affects our lives, How he sends the Holy Spirit to guide us, and how we could be of great service to Him by serving others.

Thank you.