A New Year’s Re-solution

One more day and it’s the time of the year when I try to attempt a new start. While I am not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions, I do believe in this exercise of re-examining our lives and re-assessing at the onset of new year and then ask the One above for His grace and power, where we need our lives to improve. Though more often than not, these new year resolutions fall short because;
1)      I tend to grow out of self-assessment rather than asking God to examine our lives.
2)      I tend to be pursued with self-determination and self-effort rather than trusting God to work in and through me.

Is it any wonder so many of my resolutions fail?

For me, I’ll survey my life this past year, praying as I’ll ask the following questions.

How has my life affected those in my sphere of influence? Hopefully I would be able to say that God used me to bless and build up other people rather than criticize or tear them down.

What have I used to guide myself in serving and making everyday decisions? Hopefully I would be able to say that I looked to God and His Word for direction rather than leaning on your my understanding (which often is the case) or following after the ways of the world.

How have I dealt with problems, conflicts, or mistakes made by others or even myself? Hopefully I was able to apply both grace and truth rather than going to one extreme or the other.

When I use the New Year as a time for reflecting on the newness He brings, I realize that with the new year come new opportunities to live out that new life.

Perhaps I wasn’t able to answer all of the above questions as I hoped, or at least not consistently so.  But there is good news.  I will have a new year ahead of me to change my answers, unless God takes me home to be with Him or if Jesus comes first.  Those aren’t bad options but don’t I want my life to be on track with Him in the meantime, to make a difference now.

And that is why…
… my circumstances might not change, but my perspective toward life will change as I see through new eyes. — I have faith.
… the world might seem to keep getting worse, but my reactions toward it will change as I understand with a new mind. — I have hope.
… people around me might not change, but my attitude toward them will change as I respond with a new heart. — I have love.

And so I pray…

Heavenly Father, it’s New Year’s Eve. In some ways this past year feels like it has flown by; but on the other hand, when I consider some of the painful events of the year, it seems like it was a year that would never end—a year that would never go away. The “already” and “not yet” of knowing you were clearly evident over the past twelve months. Joy and grief are both comfortably at home in my heart at the end of this calendar year.

Thank you for your steadfast love and fresh mercies that came every single day this past year—when I was aware of them and when I wasn’t. You remained faithful to everything you’ve promised me in Jesus. Great is your faithfulness.

But Father, it’s because of your love for me in that I can also own my grief and sadness. As much as I believe and love the gospel, there were stretches when I clearly didn’t act like it. This past year I joined naysayers in saying, “So where is your God?” You usually heard this complaint from me when you were seem quiet and not there catering to me.

When you didn’t act of quickly as I expected or in keeping with my agenda, I sulked and whined. When I experienced the reality of life in a broken world among broken people (which was a lot this year), I wanted relief more than a changed heart; I wanted you to vindicate me more than I wanted to glorify you; I wanted to give up more than I wanted to grace up. Many times I trusted my voiceless, sightless, senseless, powerless idols more than I trusted you. I own my sin and grieve my foolishness.

But until then, on the eve of a new year, prepare me for twelve new months of groaning and growing in grace. I resolve to trust You plus nothing for my everything. With palms up, I offer you great praise and fresh surrender to your purposes. May 2019 be a new year of new creation and fruitfulness. So very Amen I pray, in Jesus’ tender and trustworthy name.

A Blessed New Year to all!

Giving Tuesday

During my younger years, I used to see Philippine calendars with Saint’s Day (name of Saints) and the rest of the days are noted down as special holidays. Nowadays, calendars  are marked with ‘Black Friday’ and ‘Cyber Monday’;  days in which we are supposed to open the Internet and buy for ourselves what we have always wanted. I just read today that there is day called ‘Giving Tuesday’ which this year falls on 27th November - a welcome attempt to counter this commercialisation of the calendar days. It is an opportunity for ‘everyone to take a moment and support the charities that are doing good work in their local communities’.

This day gets my vote. Giving needs encouragement: after all, as the saying goes, ‘when it comes to generosity, some people stop at nothing’.

Giving is something that is vital but frequently ignored. If you’re tasked to give a talk on Giving and announce before-hand, I guess it is a safe way of guaranteeing empty seats or attendance will be lower than expected.

Yet we need to be generous, and let me suggest four reasons why giving is important.

First, giving is an act of liberation. The grim reality is that money and things entrap and snare us: they come with strings attached. Whether we want things because we think – falsely – that they will bring us security or because we think – again falsely – that they will give us self-fulfilment doesn’t matter. Clinging on to what we have is the spiritual equivalent of putting our hands around our throat and squeezing tightly: keep going long enough and it’s all over. The lives of the great misers, whether fictional like Scrooge or real like Howard Hughes, are depressing tales. For us to decide to give abundantly is to take an axe to the powers that entangle us and to say to the world – and the devil – that we cannot and will not be bought or bound by wealth. There’s a profound logic here. Because God is good and giving and because we are made in God’s image, to be authentically human is to give. Paradoxically, selfishness makes us losers: we become less human than we ought to be. It is by giving we receive and by grasping we lose. To give is to live.

Second, giving is an act of appreciation. Behind giving is the acknowledgement that our giving God has, through Jesus, paid an infinite amount in order to save us. That is a price we could never pay ourselves; we can merely accept it with thanks. The best evidence that we have understood what God has done for us is shown by how we live and give. Generosity demonstrates that we have understood grace: there is no stronger evidence of our conversion than our giving. As an example, read the story of Zacchaeus

Third, giving is an act of dedication. To give to a cause is to affirm our support for it. Our giving to the work of Christ is a very real demonstration of our commitment to him. We are quite literally ‘putting our money where our mouth is’. A lot of giving today is impulsive, often triggered by some emotional appeal that has moved the heart. The concept of dedication reminds us that the best and most lasting sort of generosity comes from a decision of the mind and the state of our heart. Do you prefer to give until it hurts or give until it feels good?

Finally, giving is an act of celebration. One of the problems with showing gratitude is our attitude. We tend to view giving entirely in negative terms as something that should be avoided. Yet as Jesus is quoted as saying in Acts 20:35, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ We should give widely, wisely and willingly. As Paul writes, ‘Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. To give generously is to make a joyful statement of who we are, what we stand for and what we want to be.

Most of St Paul’s letters in the New Testament is a testament of how giving value to giving is something of enormous importance. Paul spends a substantial amount of encouraging the Corinthian believers to give. So important is this to him that he resorts to two of the very strongest ways of encouraging them. First, he sets before them the example of the believers in Macedonia who, under very difficult circumstances, have enthusiastically given more than they were able to afford. Second, he threatens them with embarrassment if they don’t give because he’s already been boasting about their generosity.

I’d love to use Paul’s example of others and the threat of embarrassment but realise I’ll be bully doing so – I cannot force people to give! Nevertheless, in terms of example, it’s hard to forget instances of extraordinary generosity towards God’s work by followers of Jesus in Africa and Asia whose daily wage is what we might pay for a coffee and a croissant. And in terms of embarrassment, I could mention that history (possibly) and God (certainly) could judge us as a generation who talked a lot about receiving from God but knew little of giving in return.  Saint Corrie Ten Boom wrote: ‘The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration, but its donation.’ How will we be measured?

So, let's start practising this ‘Giving Tuesday’ this year and let us review our giving to our local church, to charities and to our community through our tithes and first fruits. If the Lord lays on your heart to give today and expand our personal ministry of love and sharing -  it will be gratefully received – and then we can finish the year well and enter a new year filled with immense opportunities. And as Advent Sunday comes in this weekend – let us wait and anticipate the coming of the man God who gave everything, his life and love for us.

The Need for Lent

Ash Wednesday, this year on 14 February, marks the start of the forty-day period of Lent that runs up to Easter Day. Some Christians follow a longstanding tradition of fasting during Lent; denying themselves something – chocolate, alcohol or even social media – that is good but not essential. Today, this whole idea strikes some people as bizarre but in fact the idea of Lent and fasting has perhaps never been more relevant.

Our modern culture is fixated not simply on having things, but on having them now. Advertisements encourage us not to save but to buy on credit and have what we want immediately: instant food, instant messaging, real-time meetings and instant downloads of music, films or books. We don’t ‘do’ waiting anymore. Whether it is food, pleasure or possessions, we expect to have them all now.

Yet there is something very dangerous about this demand for ‘instant gratification’ and it’s not just Christians who say so. The reality is that all good things (whether food, pleasure or possessions) are truly at their best when they are taken at the right time. Intentionally delaying a pleasure (and that’s what fasting in Lent is all about) is a wise thing. The ability to postpone our gratification may actually be critical to making us fulfilled human beings. After all, if we want our pleasures now, we are going to struggle with things like learning to play the piano or acquiring a foreign language where it may be months before we can tap out a tune or engage in a meaningful conversation on holiday.

Postponing a pleasure may even have been fundamental in making the human race what it is. A great breakthrough in history was when people realised that instead of eating grains of wheat or rice they could plant them and wait a few months until the crops sprang up. The discovery of cultivation allowed settlements, farms and ultimately civilisation to flourish.

In the bible, the chosen people of God has to wait for over 500 years – from the last message of the book of Malachi in the Old testament to the starting verses of the Gospel of Matthew in the old New testament - before God to reveal the new covenant and their salvation through the coming of Jesus Christ.

It’s not just history that teaches us about the disadvantages of instant gratification; there is also some hard psychological evidence on the subject. In the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment in the 1970s a group of four-year-old children took part in a psychological study. Each child was given one marshmallow and promised that, if they could wait twenty minutes before eating it, they would be given a second one. Some children could wait the twenty minutes and others couldn’t. Records were kept and sixteen years later children were revisited; those who had been able to delay eating were found to score significantly higher in academic tests. The ability to say ‘no, not now’ seems to be vital to both civilisation and education.

Lent helps us to learn to say ‘no, not now’; it teaches us self-control and an expectation and an anticipation of what God may reveal to us. Patience is the companion of humility and the enemy of pride.

Lent is then not just a human exercise but a sacred discipline.

The "Unreal" Christmas

It is a good feeling when we feel we’ve achieved something and somehow everything seems going our way. It is often perceived modern society today demands that we should be successes. We are supposed to be the kind who by our determination or personality make our own destiny and triumph over all that life throws at us so that we succeed and prosper.

You can see that message everywhere. In most Hollywood films, our heroes demonstrate invulnerable perfection and flawless ability. They crash cars at speed, climb out of the wreckage, flick off a few fragments of dust from their suit, straighten their tie and stroll away. They are fluent in whatever language is needed, never fumble in their handling of technology and are always cool and collected. They never mistype web addresses, dial the wrong phone number or forget where they put the car keys. Advertisements in TV and print hammer home the message at a more domestic level: everywhere we see smiling families of happy people in designer clothes enjoying cars and holidays. We ought to be perfect, we need to be a winner and only losers mess up and are often ignored.

This kind of pipe-dream that we can play the game of life with total success peaks around this time - at Christmas. Many of us browse through social media posts of messages that read like some kind of annual review for shareholders in which achievements are played up, successess are highlighted and yet disappointments are minimised and disasters are conveniently omitted. We hear at length of the poster’s successful half marathon or diet plan, the successes of their children at school, their newfound attainment of exotic dish cooking, the bliss of those two weeks on a islands cruise, their delight in their new acquired homes and assets. On reading their achievements we can only feel like life’s underachievers – the ones who just had a mediocre year, nothing to be proud of.

More troubling still is what we might call the ideal  Christmas, the one’s people like to see and imagine patterned after Charles Dicken’s numerous stories of celebrating christmas in literature, is just that - ideal but not real. It has been boosted by innumerable Hallmark Christmas cards, decades of syrupy films and limitless amounts of advertising. Although we recognise it as a cliché, this fantasy view of Christmas is something that many of us have come to believe in and even hope for. It is a Christmas where there is a large room whose walls and bookshelves are decorated with Christmas cards and adornments. At the back of the room, a fire flickers. On one side is a real Christmas tree endowed with colour-coordinating ornaments and twinkling lights, while on the other stands a multicoloured tower of presents. Through the window we can glimpse a gentle snowscape (as if Christmas is only celebrated only the northern hemisphere). In the middle of the room is a table piled high with food and drinks around which an entire family sits, laughing, smiling and joking together.

It has presented that this kind of Christmas has no possibility that anything will be less than perfect. The turkey or ham will be cooked exactly right, barbecues well-done, everybody will like everything , the cat will not scratch the presents, the broadband won’t suddenly give up when we’re Skype’ing our relatives from abroad, and everybody will get exactly the present they wanted. Here in the world of utopian Christmas no one will snap at each other, suffer from stress, flu or have the slightest worry about how, come January, they’re going to pay for it all. And it is with this Christmas we know that there will be that moment late in the evening, when peace has descended, where we will be able to sink into the sofa or at the porch staring at the christmas lights around the neighborhood amidst the cool evening air and rejoice in all that life is for us. And there we may even let our minds drift to all that we will achieve in the New Year because there, too, perfection will reign. But that’s a New Year fantasy.

Unfortunately, there are serious problems with this fanciful view of Christmas. It is not truly real - the most obvious is that to put our faith in it is to almost guarantee disappointment. The reality is inevitably going to be very different. We will probably give someone a gadget they already have, the kids will squabble and whinge on their presents they will get, we will be endlessly reminded that it was us who messed the cake or over-roasted the barbecue or spilled the sauce, and worst and most poignant of all, there may be an empty seat at the dinner table… Life has a habit of puncturing the balloon of perfection.

Yet there is another and more subtle problem with delving into the fantasy on offer at this time of year. The good Lord seems to prefer to work when things aren’t perfect. In a nutshell - God seems to be present in messes more than successes.

Consider the first Christmas. Has it ever struck you that, from the human point of view, Jesus’ birth in Bethlehem was a mess? There’s a bullying tax and census demand from a paranoid king occupying power, an extremely awkward and shameful pregnancy at a time and place when society knew exactly what to do with promiscuous  girls, accommodation so unsophisticated that you were as likely to call the vet as the midwife. And just when everybody present might have thought that things couldn’t get any more undignified than a baby in an animal food feeder, in shuffle a rustic bunch of shepherds complete, presumably, with rural smells and country muck. Yes…the first Christmas was a long, long way from perfection. In fact there’s only one place in the Bible that’s messier than Bethlehem...and that’s the cross in Golgotha.

In reality, the messiness of Bethlehem is no accident. It’s in the messes that God is most able to help us. Perfect people in perfect situations all too easily overlook the fact that they need God. ‘I didn’t come to call the righteous,’ Jesus said, ‘I came to call the sinners.’ He might as well have said, ‘I didn’t come to call those who have got it right, I came to call those who are in a mess.’ Those whose Christmases – and lives – are in disrepair are those most likely to listen to God.
This great turning-everything-upside-down principle of Christmas is actually the heart of the Christmas message. It is in fact announced in the very first chapter of Luke’s Gospel where, in what has become famously as “The Magnificat” Mary sings this of God:

He has shown strength with his arm;
    he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts.
He has brought down the powerful from their thrones,
    and lifted up the lowly;
he has filled the hungry with good things,
    and sent the rich away empty.

Christmas is a time when the have-nots has a place to rejoice over the have-everythings; when those with flawed lives can find themselves more blessed than those with apparently perfect ones.

I pray and hope you the very best possible Christmas and the best possible new year. May your Christmas tree lights work the first time, your noche-buena food not go to waste, may you get every present right, may this Christmas give you happy memories that will endure for a lifetime, and in the New Year may you get all of what you hope for and none of what you fear. But if things aren’t as perfect as you would like it to be, be comforted by truth that in Christ, God comes to us at Christmas and in the long run it’s no bad thing for events to force us to turn to him. After all, God’s reality is better than the best ‘unreal’ Christmas.

A Blessed Christmas to all.

Fasting is Giving

Last Wednesday ushered the Lenten season this year and I’m still trying to think what I should give up this yearas a form of my fasting. As I started my catholic compendium app on my mobile and listening to today’s reading from Isaiah (Is 58:1-9), I was particularly drawn to the verse where God has put into right perspective the concept of “Fasting”…” Do you call this a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD? This, rather, is the fasting that I wish: releasing those bound unjustly, untying the thongs of the yoke; Setting free the oppressed, breaking every yoke; Sharing your bread with the hungry, sheltering the oppressed and the homeless; Clothing the naked when you see them, and not turning your back on your own.

 

It seems the good Lord is saying that fasting is not only the practice of “giving up” – but also the generic word of “giving”. And that is why you hear the proverbial gospel each Ash Wednesday is about prayer, alms giving and fasting.  All of it undergoes the process of “giving” – give in the need to pray, giving up something you normally enjoy and do give to those in need.

What have I “given” up (or will give up) for Lent?

That's what many Christians - from almost every denomination, and especially Roman Catholics - are asking one another this time of year. The most common thing to forego, I would bet, is some kind of food: soda and chocolate seem to be the Most Favored Sacrifices, with cigarettes and liquor running a close third. Each year, in fact, my wife would suggest to me on Ash Wednesday to tell me what to give up, since she thinks my deciding on my own is too easy. Last year it was my favourite Coca-Cola, which was harder than you might think.

Fasting originated as a way of saving money on food, so that Christians could give it to the poor. It had a practical end: no meat for you meant more money for those who couldn't afford meat. Giving things up also reminds you that you don't always have to give into your appetites. It reminds you of your ability to exert self-control. And it reminds you of the poor, who go without every day, Lent or not. The Dutch spiritual writer and Catholic priest Henri Nouwen summed it up nicely: "For now, it seems that some fasting is the best way to remind myself of the millions who are hungry and to purify my heart and mind for a decision that does not exclude them."

Some people see Lenten sacrifices as another example of religious masochism. But look at it this way: People diet for physical reasons, so why not for spiritual ones? If you spend hours in the gym for a great body why not do something healthy to free your spirit from what St. Ignatius Loyola, the 16th-century founder of the Jesuit Order, called "disordered affections." Often Christians abstain from unhealthy things they've been unsuccessfully trying to avoid all year--like junk food or too much TV.

But this Lent I'd like to suggest not only giving something up, but also doing something.

Specifically, bothering.

In the Gospels, when Jesus of Nazareth condemns people, or points out sin, it's usually not people who are trying hard to avoid sinning, it is people who aren't bothering to love. In the famous parable of the Good Samaritan, in the Gospel of Luke, two men pass by a guy lying by the side of the road, who could certainly use some help. They could help the fellow, but they don't. He rightly points out their sin. Jesus doesn't condemn those who are weak and trying hard; but those who are strong and aren't trying at all. For Jesus, sin is often a failure to bother to love, what theologians used to call a "sin of omission."

But during the weeks before Easter, most Christians during the weeks seem stuck on what they've been trying to avoid for years. A familiar tune is: "I try to stop drinking soft drinks every time Ash Wednesday comes around!" But if Jesus were around today , he might say, "Don't worry about where you're already trying and keep failing. Look at where you're not even bothering."

So this Lent, instead of fasting, why not bother? Instead of a negative Lent, how about a positive one? Instead of giving up chocolate for the umpteenth year in a row, or trying to kick your smoking habit, why not bother to call a friend who's lonely? Instead of turning off your TV, or going to the gym, bother to donate money to the poor in the Philippines through ANCOP. Instead of passing up potato chips, bother to visit a sick relative. Rather than give up tinkering your smartphones, why not fiddle on your rosaries by praying it and appreciate its mysteries.

In the Gospels Jesus says, "It is mercy I desire, not sacrifice." Here's a novel idea for Lent: why not take Jesus at his word?

Prepare the Way

Prepare the Way

Joy, my wife, once asked how I acquired my skills in creative writing when I was presumably more attuned to technical literature and without benefit of professional training in communication arts. I replied by saying “I grew up in a family with 7 siblings. And to wait for my turn to use the bathroom, I just have to have a handy book for me to read.“

All my young adult life, I have to resort to reading and imagining words come to life while always waiting…waiting…waiting. And when I get to a point to write what’s on my mind, words just flow through and flow in prompting me to get hold of a pen and paper or open up Word and start typing.

We all know what it is like to wait—the anxiety, frustration, impatience, and all. It is not a pleasant experience at all, even though we find it necessary and unavoidable. Long queues, traffic jams, delayed plane departure, late visitors, deferred appointments, postponed events, all these are regular circumstances that make us wait.

An author once said that the most profound source of anxiety in waiting is how long the wait will be. When we are given a timeframe of the doctor’s arrival in, say, thirty minutes, coupled with a definitive assurance that the wait will not be longer than that, the situation could get a positive spin for us compared to when we are simply told that that he is already on his way. Anxiety builds on uncertainty, uncertainty feeds anxiety. It is an endless cycle, of which the only way out is to know the reason for waiting and determine whether it is really worth our wait.

We’ve just past the Second Sunday of Advent and the wait is far from over. Waiting for what? When we are waiting, time becomes very precious. Nobody wants to be kept waiting because it takes away our time, or takes us away from our time. It does not matter what else we want to do with our time, let it just be known that it is ours and ours alone. Waiting shatters all that as it compromises our ownership of time.

Two weeks more and Christmas will be upon us. The joy of anticipation is increasing by the day. There are no delays in this sense, which somehow takes away the elements of uncertainty. Days do not get suspended; nights roll by unhindered. We are in for a ride on a journey that has already become familiar to us. It happened last year and the previous years; it shall happen again this year. There will be variations of course, like the place, people, or circumstances. But the spirit of the season and the essence of the celebration will always be the same. That is, if we ever acquired it and had followed it in the first place.

It is not always true that familiarity breeds contempt. In some situations, it is the familiar that makes us feel secure, assured, and at home. In some situations, too, unfamiliarity is the one which is contemptible. It is the season of Advent, and Christmas is fast approaching. We have been in this situation before. It is familiar to us, making us feel secure, assured, and at home. Trouble is we might not want to get out of our way anymore and be challenged to go beyond the familiar and well-beaten paths.

A voice is crying out in the wilderness, “Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight His path!” the gospel of yesterday says. This is what Advent therefore ought to become: road construction and repair! It sounds strange, but really preparing the Lord’s way and straightening His path means ensuring that He is able to arrive and reach our place. By doing so, we might have to reassess the familiar and consider the unfamiliar.

In a certain village, people are busy preparing for the arrival of a very important person. Without notice, the guest comes a day earlier than expected, catching everyone by surprise. Sensing the embarrassment felt by the simple village folks, the visitor folds up his sleeves and starts sweeping the floor. He then says: “Let me help you in preparing your place for my arrival tomorrow.”

Advent’s waiting is never solitary; our preparation for it is not done on our own. We’ve got company, a familiar one, hopefully. On other days, it is the Lord who waits for us and longs for the moment we return to Him. This time around, let it be our turn to wait for Him and develop ‘fine waiting skills’, so that, just like me during my younger years, we shall also learn, not necessarily to write well, but to prepare His way.

Misconceptions

Tooth extraction, my wife, and the Full Armour of God…

Three three seemingly unrelated things that have been pestering my thoughts for the past several weeks have prodded me to realize how I was led to believe on some false notions I have been carrying over the years – that has now come to haunt me and eventually impacted my life and my faith.

Misconception #1…a Stubborn Mind.

I never liked going to the Dentist. I have this notion of my teeth as being exclusively a very private part of myself and a sacred place of my body and no amount of persuasion from anybody would goad me to have it examined more so extract a part of it especially by a magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket. But alas, a few weeks back, I had to because my antique dentures broke and I had to go the ‘guy’ for fitting and replacement.

I thought I would have breezed that appointment but to my shock and humiliation – I was told three teeth would have to be pulled-out and a massive clean-up is needed to make my whole dental system serviceable and presentable as Dr. Jerome, my dentist from Blacktown, said in a monotonous tone like that of a news anchor describing the havoc of the tsunami in Japan.

The next two hours in that dental chair was like a mini-exercise in exorcism – the good-natured doctor almost swearing through his teeth how hard my teeth was to pull out and had to repeatedly use a small dental drill to poke around and grind my most precious teeth for it to be extracted. It the midst of this harrowing jaw-juggling experience and as I lay there with my ears pounded by whirring sound of the dental drill, myriad thoughts of my life flashed into me as a youth recalling how often my mother would remind me to take care of my teeth by brushing it always and how I would take it for granted these reminders to a point of ignoring all together her naggings. And how many times in the past I have put alibis to avoid the dreaded dental clinic as if it was just like the plague.

I could only think of many what-if’s and if-only’s in mind while Jerome was mumbling about how difficult this extraction is at that moment. The realization of how stubborn and hard-headed (and hard-toothed) I was (I am) is manifesting itself right now. More often than not, I have this belief that being bull-headed equates to being strong willed and in this dog-eat-dog world – those who are strong and fit will be the only ones who will survive.

How wrong I was believing it. How stupid I was to allow myself to be sucked in that false idea. Now at the mercy of my dentist and in great pain, I realized how weak and hapless I am not only in my physical self but my emotional self. How often I set aside reminders from people who care for me and doggedly respond that nothing is of concern and everything is under control - the feeling that I am strong enough to handle any adversities coming my way. These thoughts could not bring comfort to the position I was at that moment while the dentist keep pounding me with his humdrum words of annoyance.

A verse from the bible suddenly flashed in my thoughts: That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Cor 12:10). How true is this verse and how fitting it is for me to know that human strength is nothing compared to the grace and mercy that our Lord God gives us to endure difficulties in life as well as teaching us the value of humility and obedience in the midst of distress. How that verse have blasted my self-imposed temerity to be of no value in the eyes of our living God who humbled himself to the Father by dying for us.

Misconception #2…a Question of Trust.

After 23 solid years of marriage with Joy, I tend to consider myself emotionally stable with regards to my relationship with her. Meaning, that stability will be able to endure the green-eyed monster lurking around to tempt me or mock me. Well, in the past few weeks it did taunt me and I had to admit sometimes I had been unwittingly led to a state of doubt of how balance is the state of my emotions is.

I have prodded Joy to work for the Census office for this year’s census since there was an opening within our area for collectors and reviewers. I was hoping it would be a good way for her to break out from the daily routine of being a stay-at-home mum for as far as I can remember.

It indeed made a difference for her.

For the past two months me and my children had to hold fort for her at home during weekends when she had go out and ‘be employed’ for a change. I always marvelled how my wife would always keep herself pleasing and presentable to me even in the middle of daily stress and chaos of raising the kids, minding the house and doing the ever-present household chores. But seeing her dressing up, preparing for work and checking her things and peripherals, I can’t help but admire and be amaze how truly beautiful Joy is - literally and figuratively. How this wisp of a woman I have loved could endured the pain of giving birth to 8 kids, raise and feed them, grapple with a most difficult husband while still had the lending ear and sharing shoulder to listen to other people’s sob and happy stories.

Sometimes I think she’s a descendant of the remaining aliens who they say roamed the earth and built the fabled Atlantis of long ago - for her beauty transcends her physical self and more often than not, people would always like her to be around with them. It is that aura of attractiveness that provoked the hiding green-eyed monster in me – jealousy.

A part of me is genuinely happy seeing her go away for a while from the doldrums of being a mother and a wife. And yet there is a gnawing feeling of insecurity and anxiety every time she steps out of the house. Don’t be mistaken – I truly trust Joy and would never question her love for me but sometimes I feel that way when I don’t see her around and beside me. I really thought should the day comes when Joy starts fluttering her wings of her own career I would be able to handle it graciously. I think, sadly, I may need to work on that bit a little more.

This feeling provides me a mechanism to please her by making our home clean and tidy in her absence and making sure the kids have been attended thoroughly while at the same time preparing meals for her. Her being away for just even a few hours heightened my sense of anticipation to see her come home soon. And all the negative thoughts in me vanishes every time she arrives home with a big hug to me and seeing her big wide smile appreciating that everything at home was in order. I could see her truly happy in this new found, albeit short, diversion. It did not escape from my thoughts that had she not opted to stay at home caring for the family for all our married life and instead had focused on her own chosen pursuits – she would have been more successful than I could ever be.

Looking at her beside me (actually not beside but a meter or so away since the gap was occupied by Caleb, Caiden and Joseph) at night in bed after her day’s work with all the snoring sounds coming out – I can’t resist this feeling of guilt and ashamed of myself for entertaining negative thoughts in my mind about Joy - this human being who have loved me unconditionally, giving up all of herself for me and my children and yet so profoundly strong and lovable. And it that very quiet moment, it hit me. I suddenly felt and have seen a glimpse of the kind love of Jesus has given me the same way Joy has loved me - unequivocally and selflessly with great humility to die on the cross just to save me and the rest of his created humankind who are frail, weak and sinful. The realization that if my wife could have loved a selfish person like me forced to her by destiny how much more for the God who created me - who constantly doubts and questions him. This verse from Proverbs says it all “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Misconception #3…A Weak faith

Well, if having my teeth being pulled out and missing my wife has been giving me bad dreams. This one has caused me a nightmare.

Being obstinate and a having a questioning mind is one of the recipes of losing one’s faith. And the more it is difficult for me when I should just gone from a euphoric Oceania conference in Manila and just gave a sharing on relying on God’s power that has sustained me (and Joy) in our turbulent years as a struggling family (still is!).

Since we arrived back from the Philippines and in the middle of few prayer meetings and assemblies in our chapter – I felt lethargic and sluggish spiritually. I felt empty and void of passion at many times this past several weeks leading to the 23^rd CFC anniversary. I don’t know what has gotten into me but I didn’t really felt the usual burning in my heart during these prayer meetings. I tried to feel God during worship and praise times – but the effort was futile and instead I just gone thru the whole exercise without any spiritual upliftment to a point that it impressed on me this is a just a pointless and almost-boring activity. I have to bravely put out a face in front of my brothers and sisters just a like a little boy pretending to her parents that he has enjoyed eating his veggie meals but actually abhors it.

Sometimes, in the wee hours of dawn I quietly cry and pray to Him seeking comfort and peace in my heart for sleep escapes me in these supposedly quiet moments. I tried to read some verses in the bible looking for some support to my fledgling conviction but nothing came. I did not at any point open up with Joy for fear of dampening her spirits nor wanted her to worry in the middle of everything she is doing at the moment.

I spoke to bro Alex Bencio about this for I need to someone, spiritually attuned, hoping he could provide guidance. At one point during our conversation he pointed out how he prophesied last year the CFC theme for this year ‘Putting on the Full Armour of God’. That catch phrase has lingered in me as we parted and it finally dawned into me the missing pieces in this puzzle of confusions.

- I have paraded to others to put on the full armour of God and yet I wasn’t truly wearing one. I lost then the belt of Truth.

- I thought I had my breastplate on but I tightened it over too much causing me to become too righteous instead of sowing righteousness.

- The burden of weariness is showing when I render service because I hastily tied my ready boots giving me discomfort rather than a fit shoe for battle

- I used my strong shield of faith to protect from the attacking arrows in front of me but I didn’t watch my open back. The little pricks of pride and ego piercing my defenceless sense of values.

- I fully covered my head fully by a helmet of salvation but it somehow blocked my vision and blinded me not to listen to words of encouragement and wisdom.

- The sword I carried was not sharpened by the spiritual blacksmith allowing the evil one to fight back quickly because it lacked the sharp strength to finish it off.

There lies the danger I had – when I thought I had the full pieces of God’s armour but I didn’t put it on properly or rather hastily, it becomes less useless by an attack from the enemy and instead of being a primary source of defence, it then becomes a burden – Christian service is exhausting; prayer meetings are tiring; tithes are added expenses; spiritual talks are a drag and community activities becomes tediously uniform and monotonous. Everything in my spiritual life seems so banal and trivial.

I can’t believe I am in the middle of a spiritual dryness. How could I be thrown into this lonely and dark valley of my faith? Why and what may have caused this? Maybe I was too proud of proclaiming to be a soldier of Christ and but in reality not a really battle-ready warrior. I thought I’m strong because of the full armour I’m wearing but realized it’s futile unless I’ll don it in accordance to the way it should be worn. I over-prepared for the battle that it drained me and not empowered me. My full armour was not clothed with the power from on High and so I already lost before I could set foot in the field of battle.

And what should I do to rise from this slumber and return to the flowing stream of vibrant faith and loving hope? I don’t know. I decided then to wait in silence and in prayer because the more I exert my effort and be impatient in coming back to the fold, the more it’s difficult to gain the peace and serenity that I desire.

I shall wait upon Him in a spirit of humility, in a spirit of abandonment, with contentment and resignation. Like being prostrate in the mercy of my dentist; Like accepting and trusting my wife as she fulfils her destiny and like a true warrior by subserviently wearing one by one each individual armour God has given me.

As I about to finish this writing this piece, my son Caiden returned my android phone after snatching it from me earlier showing his prowess in using it by pressing my mobile Tune-Wiki and played the acoustic version of the song ‘As the Deer’. I can’t help but smile for it was very apt song for what I’m going through right now... As the deer pants for the water, So my soul longs after You.

You alone are my heart's desire…You alone are my strength, my shield; To You alone may my spirit yield. You alone are my heart's desire, And I long to worship You.

The Year That Was(n't)

A poignant scene in the 2009 animated movie starring Jim Carrey “A Christmas Carol” was when Scrooge went arguing with his nephew Fred on the merits of celebrating Christmas – these exchange of words before Fred left his uncle’s office after failing to invite him to a Christmas dinner goes like this…Scrooge: What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough. Fred: What reason have you to be so dismal? You're rich enough.

That powerful statement mirrors for me in an oblique way the lesson of this ‘merry’ season, as well as the lessons I’ve learned this year that is about to end – 2010. It reflects our disposition when we act or not react to what has been happening in our lives. Sometimes, our actions are dictated not by the true measure of our self-worth but by ‘feelings’ we have from what we hear and we see around us. We lost track of what is essential – to be contented on what we have and not on gripe on things we don’t have in whatever form it may be i.e. career, family, finance, service, qualification, provision and love.

Of course, it’s not easy to be ‘merry’ when there’s a pile of bills to pay, debts to settle, mortgage repayments to make, broken relationship to mend, children to raise, difficult people to contend with, work to finish up, loneliness to fill, sickness to heal. The difficulty is more pronounced when in the middle of these problems in life is “you” or “me” in it. Imagine these problems happening without ‘you’ or ‘me’ involved. Would that attitude of being worried replaced by apathy; desperation with nonchalance; concern with indifference and unhappiness with contentment?

It suddenly dawned on me a thought that has been surreptitiously swimming in my mind and heart for a while now - That I can still be happy in the midst of these tumultuous problems just as long as “I” removed myself from it and let ‘Him” replace me. Let His plan evolve and not for me to solve. Let me gain His perspective and not my own directive. Let God provide and me to set aside. Let His purpose as my guide for me to abide. It may not be as simple as that…but it is really as simple as that. We lost track of what the main thing is…To keep the main thing the main thing – to let Go and let GOD.

And so to make justice to the title of this essay to parallel the truth of my realization – I’ve made a list of things that this year that ‘was not’ and to highlight what it ‘was’.

In the Homefront…

· - It wasn’t a good year for the company I’m working with – it was a ‘Great’ year as we transformed from a multi-million business to a billion dollar business. What makes it great was the recognition I got that I made a difference – whatever that was.

· -Joy was not keen to be 40, but feel truly blessed that she reached the golden age of where life truly starts.

· -My daughter Alexcie May wasn’t happy with what has happened in her relationships and studies but it gained her a lot of insightful perspective and painful lessons in love and in life.

· -It wasn’t our expectation but baby Caleb came into our lives – we’re now 10 in the family. God added a new blessing to us.

In the CFC Community…

-This year wasn’t a year of local evangelization because we went a step further from our local chapter to missions in Rockhampton, Perth and Solomon Islands.

· -This year wasn’t unproductive for the mums – we were blessed with babies like Gabriela Duque, Abigail Suerte and Caleb Osorio. These bubs confirmed God’s continuous blessings of life.

· -Many plans – our plans – was never realized because God’s plan to bond ourselves in fellowship, mission and prayer has dominated our service and commitment to the community.

· -It wasn’t a good year for many of our brethren who are still sick and ailing in their health. But somehow – their lives has changed and transformed us to be steadfast and persevering as they are and cling to the the Hope that God has promised redemption and healing.

· -It wasn’t an idle year in community activities – All of the ministries have two or more activities that made the year as busy as it can be. The stress is equated by the amount of effort you pour in multiplied by the how much time the activity lasted. And it yet it wasn’t even minutely enough compared to the selfless service the creator of the universe has to endure to be humiliated by being nailed to a thieves cross just to save his mere but beloved creatures.

In the Global Arena…

· -It wasn’t a good year in the global financial market. But it was year that exposes the volatility of our economies and the need to balance and control it. Money is not the root of all evils – the love of money is.

· -It wasn’t a good year for famous people gone haywire (the Woods, Gibsons, Lohans, Madoffs etc) due to scandals and public display of their embarrassing lives. It shows how weak and frail they are in spite of their fame and acclaim – echoes of Fred’s words to Scrooge - how these people’s lives are in dismal state despite of their worldly riches.

· -The state of our planet’s climate wasn’t what the meteorologist has expected and predicted. The constant changing of nature’s laws left many suffering from good produce, loss of shelter, physical dislocation, health issues and unpredictable weather. Desert lands became wet sands, spring traverse summers and lakes become barren soils. But it made us realize that despite of the advances in technology and human intelligence – we are still made of simple ash and only reason we still survive and live is God’s enduring love for us.

With all these things happening…what is in store for us in the new year? I don’t know and you may not know? Only He knows. And that what sustains us – our Faith. The truth that inspite of what the world is turning into – if we only put him First and Above all things, life can be as wonderful, good and as exciting as it would and could ever be. We survived for 2010 years – we shall survive and prevail in God’s hands.

And as we celebrate Christ’s birth in the next few hours…let us remember that we should not lost the spirit of expectancy like most of the world has lost the meaning of Christmas. We cannot prepare for an observance. We must prepare for an experience.

A blessed Christmas to all!