Tooth extraction, my wife, and the Full Armour of God…
Three three seemingly unrelated things that have been pestering my thoughts for the past several weeks have prodded me to realize how I was led to believe on some false notions I have been carrying over the years – that has now come to haunt me and eventually impacted my life and my faith.
Misconception #1…a Stubborn Mind.
I never liked going to the Dentist. I have this notion of my teeth as being exclusively a very private part of myself and a sacred place of my body and no amount of persuasion from anybody would goad me to have it examined more so extract a part of it especially by a magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket. But alas, a few weeks back, I had to because my antique dentures broke and I had to go the ‘guy’ for fitting and replacement.
I thought I would have breezed that appointment but to my shock and humiliation – I was told three teeth would have to be pulled-out and a massive clean-up is needed to make my whole dental system serviceable and presentable as Dr. Jerome, my dentist from Blacktown, said in a monotonous tone like that of a news anchor describing the havoc of the tsunami in Japan.
The next two hours in that dental chair was like a mini-exercise in exorcism – the good-natured doctor almost swearing through his teeth how hard my teeth was to pull out and had to repeatedly use a small dental drill to poke around and grind my most precious teeth for it to be extracted. It the midst of this harrowing jaw-juggling experience and as I lay there with my ears pounded by whirring sound of the dental drill, myriad thoughts of my life flashed into me as a youth recalling how often my mother would remind me to take care of my teeth by brushing it always and how I would take it for granted these reminders to a point of ignoring all together her naggings. And how many times in the past I have put alibis to avoid the dreaded dental clinic as if it was just like the plague.
I could only think of many what-if’s and if-only’s in mind while Jerome was mumbling about how difficult this extraction is at that moment. The realization of how stubborn and hard-headed (and hard-toothed) I was (I am) is manifesting itself right now. More often than not, I have this belief that being bull-headed equates to being strong willed and in this dog-eat-dog world – those who are strong and fit will be the only ones who will survive.
How wrong I was believing it. How stupid I was to allow myself to be sucked in that false idea. Now at the mercy of my dentist and in great pain, I realized how weak and hapless I am not only in my physical self but my emotional self. How often I set aside reminders from people who care for me and doggedly respond that nothing is of concern and everything is under control - the feeling that I am strong enough to handle any adversities coming my way. These thoughts could not bring comfort to the position I was at that moment while the dentist keep pounding me with his humdrum words of annoyance.
A verse from the bible suddenly flashed in my thoughts: That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Cor 12:10). How true is this verse and how fitting it is for me to know that human strength is nothing compared to the grace and mercy that our Lord God gives us to endure difficulties in life as well as teaching us the value of humility and obedience in the midst of distress. How that verse have blasted my self-imposed temerity to be of no value in the eyes of our living God who humbled himself to the Father by dying for us.
Misconception #2…a Question of Trust.
After 23 solid years of marriage with Joy, I tend to consider myself emotionally stable with regards to my relationship with her. Meaning, that stability will be able to endure the green-eyed monster lurking around to tempt me or mock me. Well, in the past few weeks it did taunt me and I had to admit sometimes I had been unwittingly led to a state of doubt of how balance is the state of my emotions is.
I have prodded Joy to work for the Census office for this year’s census since there was an opening within our area for collectors and reviewers. I was hoping it would be a good way for her to break out from the daily routine of being a stay-at-home mum for as far as I can remember.
It indeed made a difference for her.
For the past two months me and my children had to hold fort for her at home during weekends when she had go out and ‘be employed’ for a change. I always marvelled how my wife would always keep herself pleasing and presentable to me even in the middle of daily stress and chaos of raising the kids, minding the house and doing the ever-present household chores. But seeing her dressing up, preparing for work and checking her things and peripherals, I can’t help but admire and be amaze how truly beautiful Joy is - literally and figuratively. How this wisp of a woman I have loved could endured the pain of giving birth to 8 kids, raise and feed them, grapple with a most difficult husband while still had the lending ear and sharing shoulder to listen to other people’s sob and happy stories.
Sometimes I think she’s a descendant of the remaining aliens who they say roamed the earth and built the fabled Atlantis of long ago - for her beauty transcends her physical self and more often than not, people would always like her to be around with them. It is that aura of attractiveness that provoked the hiding green-eyed monster in me – jealousy.
A part of me is genuinely happy seeing her go away for a while from the doldrums of being a mother and a wife. And yet there is a gnawing feeling of insecurity and anxiety every time she steps out of the house. Don’t be mistaken – I truly trust Joy and would never question her love for me but sometimes I feel that way when I don’t see her around and beside me. I really thought should the day comes when Joy starts fluttering her wings of her own career I would be able to handle it graciously. I think, sadly, I may need to work on that bit a little more.
This feeling provides me a mechanism to please her by making our home clean and tidy in her absence and making sure the kids have been attended thoroughly while at the same time preparing meals for her. Her being away for just even a few hours heightened my sense of anticipation to see her come home soon. And all the negative thoughts in me vanishes every time she arrives home with a big hug to me and seeing her big wide smile appreciating that everything at home was in order. I could see her truly happy in this new found, albeit short, diversion. It did not escape from my thoughts that had she not opted to stay at home caring for the family for all our married life and instead had focused on her own chosen pursuits – she would have been more successful than I could ever be.
Looking at her beside me (actually not beside but a meter or so away since the gap was occupied by Caleb, Caiden and Joseph) at night in bed after her day’s work with all the snoring sounds coming out – I can’t resist this feeling of guilt and ashamed of myself for entertaining negative thoughts in my mind about Joy - this human being who have loved me unconditionally, giving up all of herself for me and my children and yet so profoundly strong and lovable. And it that very quiet moment, it hit me. I suddenly felt and have seen a glimpse of the kind love of Jesus has given me the same way Joy has loved me - unequivocally and selflessly with great humility to die on the cross just to save me and the rest of his created humankind who are frail, weak and sinful. The realization that if my wife could have loved a selfish person like me forced to her by destiny how much more for the God who created me - who constantly doubts and questions him. This verse from Proverbs says it all “Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Misconception #3…A Weak faith
Well, if having my teeth being pulled out and missing my wife has been giving me bad dreams. This one has caused me a nightmare.
Being obstinate and a having a questioning mind is one of the recipes of losing one’s faith. And the more it is difficult for me when I should just gone from a euphoric Oceania conference in Manila and just gave a sharing on relying on God’s power that has sustained me (and Joy) in our turbulent years as a struggling family (still is!).
Since we arrived back from the Philippines and in the middle of few prayer meetings and assemblies in our chapter – I felt lethargic and sluggish spiritually. I felt empty and void of passion at many times this past several weeks leading to the 23rd CFC anniversary. I don’t know what has gotten into me but I didn’t really felt the usual burning in my heart during these prayer meetings. I tried to feel God during worship and praise times – but the effort was futile and instead I just gone thru the whole exercise without any spiritual upliftment to a point that it impressed on me this is a just a pointless and almost-boring activity. I have to bravely put out a face in front of my brothers and sisters just a like a little boy pretending to her parents that he has enjoyed eating his veggie meals but actually abhors it.
Sometimes, in the wee hours of dawn I quietly cry and pray to Him seeking comfort and peace in my heart for sleep escapes me in these supposedly quiet moments. I tried to read some verses in the bible looking for some support to my fledgling conviction but nothing came. I did not at any point open up with Joy for fear of dampening her spirits nor wanted her to worry in the middle of everything she is doing at the moment.
I spoke to bro Alex Bencio about this for I need to someone, spiritually attuned, hoping he could provide guidance. At one point during our conversation he pointed out how he prophesied last year the CFC theme for this year ‘Putting on the Full Armour of God’. That catch phrase has lingered in me as we parted and it finally dawned into me the missing pieces in this puzzle of confusions.
There lies the danger I had – when I thought I had the full pieces of God’s armour but I didn’t put it on properly or rather hastily, it becomes less useless by an attack from the enemy and instead of being a primary source of defence, it then becomes a burden – Christian service is exhausting; prayer meetings are tiring; tithes are added expenses; spiritual talks are a drag and community activities becomes tediously uniform and monotonous. Everything in my spiritual life seems so banal and trivial.
I can’t believe I am in the middle of a spiritual dryness. How could I be thrown into this lonely and dark valley of my faith? Why and what may have caused this? Maybe I was too proud of proclaiming to be a soldier of Christ and but in reality not a really battle-ready warrior. I thought I’m strong because of the full armour I’m wearing but realized it’s futile unless I’ll don it in accordance to the way it should be worn. I over-prepared for the battle that it drained me and not empowered me. My full armour was not clothed with the power from on High and so I already lost before I could set foot in the field of battle.
And what should I do to rise from this slumber and return to the flowing stream of vibrant faith and loving hope? I don’t know. I decided then to wait in silence and in prayer because the more I exert my effort and be impatient in coming back to the fold, the more it’s difficult to gain the peace and serenity that I desire.
I shall wait upon Him in a spirit of humility, in a spirit of abandonment, with contentment and resignation. Like being prostrate in the mercy of my dentist; Like accepting and trusting my wife as she fulfils her destiny and like a true warrior by subserviently wearing one by one each individual armour God has given me.
As I about to finish this writing this piece, my son Caiden returned my android phone after snatching it from me earlier showing his prowess in using it by pressing my mobile Tune-Wiki and played the acoustic version of the song ‘As the Deer’. I can’t help but smile for it was very apt song for what I’m going through right now... As the deer pants for the water, So my soul longs after You.
You alone are my heart's desire…You alone are my strength, my shield; To You alone may my spirit yield. You alone are my heart's desire, And I long to worship You.
